Holy shit

[Rick Santorum]

I know people are going to say I'm full of shit, because that's how this board is, but whatever. Summoning demons is not to be taken lightly and requires years of research, training, and careful planning. I tried this myself one time and now I completely regret it. I had wanted to get revenge on one of my friends because he totally fucked me and my sexually trained horse over a few weeks back. I had dabbled in the occult for a while so I figured I could summon a demon and then command it to basically make his life a living hell for a while. Unfortunately things didn't go exactly as planned. I managed to summon the demon alright, but i had no control over it. I commanded him to obey me, but he simply responded in a horrible voice that still fills me with dread and said "No thank you, I had resses for breakfast" I was horrified! I spoke in the most commanding voice I could muster under the circumstances "You had candy for breakfast?!" Once again he responded in that soul chilling voice "Nay not candy foolish mortal, Reeses Puffs Cereal!" With a wave of its claw it pours me a bowl and I shove the spoon in my mouth. Then a wave of peanut butter and chocolately taste bombards my taste buds. I was enthralled. I had to have more! Reeses puffs cereal! Its reese's, for breakfast!
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Bitches don't know bout my hard Christian morals and anti-gay rights views.

LOL JEWS

[Bangaa]

I lol'd.

[FayGotTree?]

Read the bottom of the post.
Too obvious.

[Dr. Katz]

I lol'd hard.
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Hello I am Dr. Katz.

[Borat]

[ghey4bridget]

I woke up this morning with a bad hangover and my peenus was missing again. This happens all the time; it's detachable. This comes in handy a lot of the time; I can leave it home when I think it's gonna get me in trouble, or I can rent it out when I don't need it. But now and then I go to a party, get drunk, and the next morning, I can't, for the life of me, remember what I did with it.

First I looked around my apartment, and I couldn't find it, so I called up the place where the party was, they hadn't seen it either. I asked them to check the medicine cabinet, 'cause for some reason, I leave it there sometimes, but no this time.
So I told them if it pops up to let me know. I called a few people who were at the party, but they were no help either.
I was starting to get desperate I really don't like being without my peenus for too long. It makes me feel like less of a man, and I really hate having to sit down every time I take a leak.

After a few hours of searching the house, and calling everyone I could think of, I was starting to get very depressed, so I went to the Kiev and ate breakfast. Then as I walked down Second Avenue, toward St Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street, I saw my peenus lying on a blanket next to a broken toaster oven - some guy was selling it! I had to but it off him. He wanted 22 bucks, but I talked him down to 17. I took it home, washed it off, and put it back on. I was happy again: complete. People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but I don't know. Even though sometimes it's a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable peenus.

[Nigra]